Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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