How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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