I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
