Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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