I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
