I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Randomize
