Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
