Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
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