Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
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