You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Randomize
