i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Randomize
