Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
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