Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
