how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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