I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Randomize
