You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Randomize
