yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Randomize
