I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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