So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
