Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
