I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
You may now shotgun with the bride
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
