Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Can I color on your dick again?
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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