Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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