I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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