Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
