I am midnight drunk by noon
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
