Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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