Best friends brother. Beat that.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
