Ambien. No doubt about it.
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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