I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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