take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
