I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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