Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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