I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I'm always down for nudity.
Randomize
