he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
