brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
