Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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