I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
