Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
