you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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