I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Randomize
