it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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