Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
