I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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