please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Randomize
