I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Randomize
