dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
wake up i wanna do it froggy style
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
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