I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
