I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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