She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Randomize
