Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
