So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
