just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
