did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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