i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
