it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
